Work in progress.

I have started working in the First ever job which Is going to pay me. As the days are progressing, I am feeling immense gratitude, pride and Curiosity. But along with that there is something else. But that something else, Doesn’t deserve a first paragraph mention in my blog.

I have done plenty of internships which felt close to working, Unlike my friends, I used to and have spent a lot of time in commuting during those internships but what differs here is the pay factor. People closest to me, My parents and my sister clearly knows my stand on money. It is always neutral and indifferent. It is insignificant to my Mental well being or my Comfort level in life. As much as I would love myself to see and climb ladders of success, my take on monetary factor stays grounded at — I should have enough to cover up for what I need just so that a day never comes when I have to ask for it to others. Because, If there is a list of things I hate ever made, This would come under top 5. I hate asking for help — Monetary or otherwise. I hate relying on people because I am also people to someone, and I know That we all are not worth giving that leverage. I absolutely dislike Interacting with humans for more than necessary and honestly, if it were possible or feasible, I would Live in a little house by Himalayas, And make sure that I never have to speak to another soul. But, my lifelong stagnant ideology behind money, is not how I grew up. That is not The value I was incorporated with. But, It is my own deep rooted stand on How I don’t care about what I want and Converge all my energy Towards what I need to sustain in this Life and world.. .. I have closely observed these things, and I have figured that To really have Foundational strength, and to live in this life willingly, Money is not all that important. What is Truly of Value is our Health — Mental and physical and our outlook towards life. I have seen tremendously rich people battling depression, waking up and siding with their will to live, fight internal battles they never talk about. I have seen people filthy rich being bed ridden and unable to enjoy all that wealth. I am sure that, People are upset because of lack of thereof as well. But as I said, It is the need which matters to me. So much so that, If I go out fully loaded with cash, I spend not a penny more than what my mother asked me to.

My parents and I have an inside joke that my father could give me a billion bucks, send me out for a day and In the end of the day, all I could have bought would be a bottled water packet. (BECAUSE, Well only true water drinker knows that not all water tastes the same ) and I am sure, this joke is more than just a joke. It is how I feel about having money in hands. Which is, I dont know what to do with it! And how to deal with the nuance of it! Sometimes Neither I want to spend it, Nor I want to spend it on others. I want to go and donate it to the people who need it the most, like Handicapped people, blind individuals, orphaned children, Who have nobody but people like us, To rely upon. Hence, My will to give treats, For the sake of societal convention and to mingle this way is negligible. I have beaten myself up for my lack of party giving and taking attitude for far too long, but NO longer! This stops now. I am going to have to stop being too hard on myself because of my incapability to do what society dictates me of, If My comprehension power asks me not to give out money, to those who can very well pay for themselves and instead to those who really really need that little pocket of cash, Then why not — ? It is completely logical. Just because people can’t Relate to my logic doesn’t make it any less True.

Maybe, we are made to be so self absorbed into what society expects us to do, that we fail to see the another option. The “what if” factor in the whole scenario, about where do I fit if not here? And how to adequately adjust into the new norms I have just created for myself.

Coming to that something I feel and mentioned initially~ I think I have wanted to share my feelings regarding working in this first job, with someone. Anyone, who is going to understand me without judgement. I have always struggled to find people to confine into. History and past experiences have witnessed that whenever I get vulnerable, I somehow get beaten up! And hence, I am failing at trusting people with this something I feel deeply and want to Express desperately. There are so many emotions — whirlwind of emotional connect within me which, I want to discuss and share with, but somehow, I have spent over 22 years on this planet and yet I can’t find one person to open up to without looking naive or Condescending or worst — - Both at the same time, and this makes me overwhelmed.

But, as the title suggests, like others residing over and Procreating in this planet, I am very much a work in progress. I am learning, doing Trial and error, Conducting pilot experiments to understand how and what all fits into this brief life I am given As human.