Observations
I completely forgot about This medium of Expression (Irony) until A friend of mine secretly checked out my writing pieces here and told me That He loved most of it! There was a time when I wanted people to read what I have to write, I am an extremely talkative person and the problem with extremes,On both ends not just with A LOT but with THE LEAST, Is that at the extremes, there are far less people than at the middle and hence none of those handful of self centric pricks take you seriously. They are in their own Rachel land doing Rachel Things and too obnoxious to identify your presence .
I used to desperately send a couple of my friends The link to my medium account but Then, soon enough The Universe sent me Neglect and that Ultimately lead to my failure to find readers but I think what I really wanted was a safety net! Don’t we all do? We like when things in life happens as per our wishes and conveniences. We want promotion when we feel like we have earned it irrespective of our Boss’s contradicting opinion, similarly we want to start a family when we feel like we are ready to become parents, but is nature ready for Several hundred children thrown at its lap, using and sucking its natural resources like breast milk. No, we don’t think . Looking at it like that, I feel like we all are constantly thinking about ourselves . Everyday every minute, Its all about us.
Similarly, Today I realised that I wanted a certain bunch of people (whom I selected as my readers) to read my stuff but when This friend of mine willingly and without my constant meddling read it, all by its own! Mind it, His eye’s sockets could have punctured a hole in themselves with all my writing, He was brave, and went ahead with it, praised me even, Instead of feeling grateful, The first emotion I felt was naked and Embarrassed which is again extreme level of Mind Fuck. I think A lot of my emotions are based on whether or not I am in control of a situation or if its happening according to my whims and Fancies or maybe I am just a fucked up writer who is insecure and gives too much shit about people’s opinion of my writing. But, A self reminder there aren’t many people anyways.
Recently I am realizing that We all Learn to cope with our In abilities to express. You can call someone an introvert for all you want but even he or she has a mode of communication and If you can’t see it, you are either blind or too self centric to notice in between Making fun of these people. This is because Universe follows the law of Conservation of energy and believes in entropy. What goes out must come in. What Is felt must be expressed. Whatever little we get, must be passed on. Please check up on your Silent friends,not because it is always the quiet ones who will one day outsmart you but because They are YOUR friends and also because you aren’t living under a rock . Call them.
My upper monologue came out because of an observation i made recently , Since nobody listens with full attention to whatever I have to say, I have coped with my hurt inflicted by people , And transferred all my energy into writing. After years of being Ignored I have decided that my words, Characters, expressions and Thoughts are too precious to go in vain or get wasted because The number of listeners in this world are so not in proportion to the number of speakers. I write to express my opinions and I also write to express my emotions. Did, I ever tell you that I am not a great affection provider. I hate hugging and the number of People I have hugged in the past can be counted on one hand. Forget about expressing intimacy, I feel completely still When my sister Grabs my hand, maybe I have autism and I need to get tested, or maybe I am just not the right person for physically expressing love. I can show you my love with little act of kindness but I feel strangely Awkward in saying “I love you”. I never initiate those words and When someone says them to me,I say *you too*. Such an asshole category reply but This is one of the reasons why I came into the world of writing. This is my outlet and hence I want you all to find yours.
I often wonder that Whether I will ever be able to write and cover meaningful stories, I think Just because I was not taken seriously, Like ever,I have made my life goal to make me one in people’s eyes and hence when someone finds friendly humor in my opinions, Harmless humor tbh, I feel offensive and Defeated . Somedays I want to write and write just for myself and To satisfy my outlet but some days I want to write for TOI or The Hindu *Big dreams, I knoww*, I am forever conflicted about what I want for myself and what is right for me and in all honestly, If you arent between cross roads time and again in your life, or if your roads are too smooth, You are in wrong route, Change it, take the bumpy one the moment A change comes because You are not putting enough thoughts into your self development. My masochistic heart believes that, we all are humans and hence we all are entitled to lifelong suffering, not for years, but in parts for as long as we live, Because Honestly? Humans are not THAT great of creatures compared to so many others we share this planet with.
